Being Family is Sometimes a Wild Kingdom
by Lorraine
The thirty people representing four generations congregating at an isolated cottage on the shore of a mountain backed lake have much in common: for starters, more than two thirds share a surname; even more express similarities in appearance. But differences among them quickly become evident: some exuberantly tumble out doors flung wide; others pause reflectively before tentatively opening doors.
According to recognized theories, they could represent as many as sixteen different temperament or personality styles1. This diversity can be enriching or result in tensions that escalate into conflict; it depends on how aware and respectful people are of those styles-- something not readily achieved among people who take in, process, and use information in markedly different ways.
Take, for instance, some characteristics of Smalley’s and Trent’s “Lion “, “Beaver”, “Otter”, and “Lion/Beaver” personality types2, 3,4,5 as expressed by the following family members.
Highly sensitive and intuitive, the “Beaver” 2 is bombarded by the whirls of emotion inherent to the mix of people. An idealist motivated by an internalized set of values, she experiences a nagging sense of responsibility to make things comfortable for everyone, to “do things right”. Thus she's prone to much reflection which can readily become ruminating.
The “Lion's” 3 arbitrarily making plans -- without bothering to determine individual dietary restrictions or preferences plans – irritate her. The “Lion”, approaching things in a concrete manner, focuses on what can be observed through the five senses and proceeds to “do what needs doing”: “The group has to eat, don't they? No one has made a plan. Food has to be available and prepared....” Within minutes, she has compiled and posted her lists: meal schedules, menus, grocery needs, preparation and clean-up teams. The menus are simple, generous, and wholesome; the rules straightforward: “This is what’s being served; if you don’t like it, get your own; if you plan to be away when your team has been assigned, it is your responsibility to find a replacement.”
A day or two later, the assigned prep team members are absent without replacements –there are hints of passive-aggressive resistance to the arbitrary assignment; the “Beaver” picks up the slack. The posted menu indicates fruit salad. While preparing it, the “Beaver” recalls that one of the teens has, since early childhood, hated strawberries so she sets aside a serving of the salad before adding the strawberries. The “Lion” declares this to be unnecessary pampering. For the “Lion” it's merely a statement of fact; to the introspective “Beaver”, it's a personal attack over which she briefly broods.
Laughter is hearty and widespread whenever talkative, carefree, entertaining “Otter”4 is present. He isn't always punctual for his meal prep and clean up responsibilities but his love of life and people are endearing; they also offer a balance to a “Beaver/Lion”5 whose strong will and persistence on “being right” has an annoying tendency to border on stubbornness. The afternoon of the “photo session” is one of those times.
Some family members can stay only to midweek with others just then arriving. It is clear ahead of time that only on this single afternoon can group photos be taken; the one with professional skills and equipment is pressed into service. He explains the shadow casting mountains' effect on photo taking conditions; the window of time for good results will be small. Past the appointed time, he anxiously watches the sun edge toward the top of the mountains. He reiterates the call to quickly congregate by the dock. Finally, with few minutes of good light to spare, everyone is accounted for and in place. That is, all except for the “Beaver/Lion” who, taking pride in “always cooking corn to perfection”, remains stove side, watch in hand, announcing that he'll come when the corn is done; it needs 4 minutes and 45 seconds more. The others are annoyed.
Considering that each personality style deals with information in such different ways, it is a small wonder that our relationships – family, pastoral, teaching, staff – are sometimes difficult. Referring to that in light of the Smalley-Trent animal representations of the various types, Trent quips that it can sometimes be “a real wild kingdom”. How can you help “tame it”?
I would recommend a helpful resource for those in various ministry positions: Powerful Personalities, a CD set from Focus on the Family's Pastor to Pastor series by H.B. London, Jr. addresses these issues in a manner that can help you do that. Concerns discussed include: personality in ministry, with staff, and in marriage and family. Information on dominant personalities, problem and dysfunctional personalities, as well as personality obstacles in ministry are also explored.
Lorraine Beaven, MCL Phone Consultant
__________________________________________________
Notes:
1. Meyers-Briggs, Keirsey, LaHaye, Littauer, Smalley-Trent:
2. Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INFP (Meyers-Briggs), Idealist (Kiersey), a Melancholic blend (LaHay, Littauer)I
3. Lion (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESTJ (Meyers-Briggs). Guardian (Kiersey), a Choleric blend (LaHay, Littauer)
4. Otter (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESFP (Meyers-Briggs), Artisan (Kiersey), Sanguine (LaHaye, Littauer)
5. Lion/Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INTJ (Meyers-Briggs), Rational (Kiersey) a Melancholic-Phlegmatic blend (LaHaye, Littauer),
by Lorraine
The thirty people representing four generations congregating at an isolated cottage on the shore of a mountain backed lake have much in common: for starters, more than two thirds share a surname; even more express similarities in appearance. But differences among them quickly become evident: some exuberantly tumble out doors flung wide; others pause reflectively before tentatively opening doors.
According to recognized theories, they could represent as many as sixteen different temperament or personality styles1. This diversity can be enriching or result in tensions that escalate into conflict; it depends on how aware and respectful people are of those styles-- something not readily achieved among people who take in, process, and use information in markedly different ways.
Take, for instance, some characteristics of Smalley’s and Trent’s “Lion “, “Beaver”, “Otter”, and “Lion/Beaver” personality types2, 3,4,5 as expressed by the following family members.
Highly sensitive and intuitive, the “Beaver” 2 is bombarded by the whirls of emotion inherent to the mix of people. An idealist motivated by an internalized set of values, she experiences a nagging sense of responsibility to make things comfortable for everyone, to “do things right”. Thus she's prone to much reflection which can readily become ruminating.
The “Lion's” 3 arbitrarily making plans -- without bothering to determine individual dietary restrictions or preferences plans – irritate her. The “Lion”, approaching things in a concrete manner, focuses on what can be observed through the five senses and proceeds to “do what needs doing”: “The group has to eat, don't they? No one has made a plan. Food has to be available and prepared....” Within minutes, she has compiled and posted her lists: meal schedules, menus, grocery needs, preparation and clean-up teams. The menus are simple, generous, and wholesome; the rules straightforward: “This is what’s being served; if you don’t like it, get your own; if you plan to be away when your team has been assigned, it is your responsibility to find a replacement.”
A day or two later, the assigned prep team members are absent without replacements –there are hints of passive-aggressive resistance to the arbitrary assignment; the “Beaver” picks up the slack. The posted menu indicates fruit salad. While preparing it, the “Beaver” recalls that one of the teens has, since early childhood, hated strawberries so she sets aside a serving of the salad before adding the strawberries. The “Lion” declares this to be unnecessary pampering. For the “Lion” it's merely a statement of fact; to the introspective “Beaver”, it's a personal attack over which she briefly broods.
Laughter is hearty and widespread whenever talkative, carefree, entertaining “Otter”4 is present. He isn't always punctual for his meal prep and clean up responsibilities but his love of life and people are endearing; they also offer a balance to a “Beaver/Lion”5 whose strong will and persistence on “being right” has an annoying tendency to border on stubbornness. The afternoon of the “photo session” is one of those times.
Some family members can stay only to midweek with others just then arriving. It is clear ahead of time that only on this single afternoon can group photos be taken; the one with professional skills and equipment is pressed into service. He explains the shadow casting mountains' effect on photo taking conditions; the window of time for good results will be small. Past the appointed time, he anxiously watches the sun edge toward the top of the mountains. He reiterates the call to quickly congregate by the dock. Finally, with few minutes of good light to spare, everyone is accounted for and in place. That is, all except for the “Beaver/Lion” who, taking pride in “always cooking corn to perfection”, remains stove side, watch in hand, announcing that he'll come when the corn is done; it needs 4 minutes and 45 seconds more. The others are annoyed.
Considering that each personality style deals with information in such different ways, it is a small wonder that our relationships – family, pastoral, teaching, staff – are sometimes difficult. Referring to that in light of the Smalley-Trent animal representations of the various types, Trent quips that it can sometimes be “a real wild kingdom”. How can you help “tame it”?
I would recommend a helpful resource for those in various ministry positions: Powerful Personalities, a CD set from Focus on the Family's Pastor to Pastor series by H.B. London, Jr. addresses these issues in a manner that can help you do that. Concerns discussed include: personality in ministry, with staff, and in marriage and family. Information on dominant personalities, problem and dysfunctional personalities, as well as personality obstacles in ministry are also explored.
Lorraine Beaven, MCL Phone Consultant
__________________________________________________
Notes:
1. Meyers-Briggs, Keirsey, LaHaye, Littauer, Smalley-Trent:
2. Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INFP (Meyers-Briggs), Idealist (Kiersey), a Melancholic blend (LaHay, Littauer)I
3. Lion (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESTJ (Meyers-Briggs). Guardian (Kiersey), a Choleric blend (LaHay, Littauer)
4. Otter (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESFP (Meyers-Briggs), Artisan (Kiersey), Sanguine (LaHaye, Littauer)
5. Lion/Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INTJ (Meyers-Briggs), Rational (Kiersey) a Melancholic-Phlegmatic blend (LaHaye, Littauer),
