When Mama Ain't Happy...

A herd of cows is contentedly grazing in a pasture.  One of them gets too close to the electric fence, gets a shock, snorts and jumps away in panic.  Immediately the whole herd starts to panic.  Maybe they go off in a stampede, not knowing why, but all of them upset. 

That's how quickly a load of anxiety can flow through all the members of a herd when just one cow gets anxious.  The same thing happens with families.  Mama comes home from work and she's cranky.  Maybe she doesn't even know why, she just had a bad day.  As soon as she walks in the door, everybody knows, "Mama ain't happy!"  The whole family gets anxious.  Everything was fine before Mama came home, but now everybody is upset and anxious.  Mama's anxiety flows to Dad and Junior and Sister and even to the dog and the cat.  Nobody knows why exactly, but nobody's happy.

Anyone can bring anxiety into the family.  Anxiety will flow from one person to the next until everybody feels it.  Most people don't even know what it is that they're feeling, but they know it doesn't feel good.  Everybody's joy is diminished.  Everybody's capacity to love and understand is diminished, too.  Creative thinking goes down as anxiety goes up.  The family doesn't function well.  Tempers flare.  Little things blow up into big things.  People snap at each other.  Little things that should be taken in stride throw people into a tizzy.  The family isn't a fun place to be.

When this happens a few times, the anxiety will begin to settle onto some vulnerable family member and that family member will get symptomatic.  Maybe Junior will become the symptom-bearer for the family: he starts getting into trouble at school, the teacher sends notes home, he isn't getting his work done.  Maybe its Big Sister who becomes the symptom-bearer for the family: she starts hanging out with the wrong crowd, she gets a boyfriend the family doesn't approve, the harder the family tries to break them up the harder she holds onto him, she gets pregnant.  The more symptomatic the symptom-bearer becomes, the more the overall anxiety of the family increases and the more they try to "fix" the symptom-bearer, but he or she isn't the one who is broken: it's the family that's broken, they are just bearing the symptoms of the family's increasing anxiety.

Does this sound at all familiar to you?  Is your family anything like this?  Then you are experiencing the free-flowing characteristics of anxiety.  How can you reduce anxiety in your family?  Well, becoming aware of how one person affects the whole family is one way.  Mama can be sure she doesn't bring her anxiety home with her.  Dad can take her aside and lovingly connect with her and listen to her and affirm her and reduce her anxiety before it spreads to the kids.  Families can remember that the symptom-bearers are not the problem and stop focusing on them and work on themselves instead.  The trick is to deal with anxiety before it short circuits the thinking parts of our brains and reduces us to cows stampeding around the field with no clear reason why.

By David VanDenburgh, MCL Counselor

 Me and my family (that's me, the old guy on the left).  Left to right: Jake (number one grandson), me, Chris (my wife), Ginny (my mom), Davie (our older son) holding is younger son Josh, Jonathan.  Front row: Carrie (Davie's wife) and Amanda (Jonathan's wife).  Not shown is baby Christian born to Jonathan and Amanda after this photo was taken.

Being Family is Sometimes a Wild Kingdom
by Lorraine

The thirty people representing four generations congregating at an isolated cottage on the shore of a mountain backed lake have much in common: for starters, more than two thirds share a surname; even more express similarities in appearance. But differences among them quickly become evident: some exuberantly tumble out doors flung wide; others pause reflectively before tentatively opening doors.

According to recognized theories, they could represent as many as sixteen different temperament or personality styles1. This diversity can be enriching or result in tensions that escalate into conflict; it depends on how aware and respectful people are of those styles-- something not readily achieved among people who take in, process, and use information in markedly different ways.

Take, for instance, some characteristics of Smalley’s and Trent’s “Lion “, “Beaver”, “Otter”, and “Lion/Beaver” personality types2, 3,4,5 as expressed by the following family members.

Highly sensitive and intuitive, the “Beaver” 2 is bombarded by the whirls of emotion inherent to the mix of people. An idealist motivated by an internalized set of values, she experiences a nagging sense of responsibility to make things comfortable for everyone, to “do things right”. Thus she's prone to much reflection which can readily become ruminating.

The “Lion's” 3 arbitrarily making plans -- without bothering to determine individual dietary restrictions or preferences plans – irritate her. The “Lion”, approaching things in a concrete manner, focuses on what can be observed through the five senses and proceeds to “do what needs doing”: “The group has to eat, don't they? No one has made a plan. Food has to be available and prepared....” Within minutes, she has compiled and posted her lists: meal schedules, menus, grocery needs, preparation and clean-up teams. The menus are simple, generous, and wholesome; the rules straightforward: “This is what’s being served; if you don’t like it, get your own; if you plan to be away when your team has been assigned, it is your responsibility to find a replacement.”

A day or two later, the assigned prep team members are absent without replacements –there are hints of passive-aggressive resistance to the arbitrary assignment; the “Beaver” picks up the slack. The posted menu indicates fruit salad. While preparing it, the “Beaver” recalls that one of the teens has, since early childhood, hated strawberries so she sets aside a serving of the salad before adding the strawberries. The “Lion” declares this to be unnecessary pampering. For the “Lion” it's merely a statement of fact; to the introspective “Beaver”, it's a personal attack over which she briefly broods.

Laughter is hearty and widespread whenever talkative, carefree, entertaining “Otter”4 is present. He isn't always punctual for his meal prep and clean up responsibilities but his love of life and people are endearing; they also offer a balance to a “Beaver/Lion”5 whose strong will and persistence on “being right” has an annoying tendency to border on stubbornness. The afternoon of the “photo session” is one of those times.

Some family members can stay only to midweek with others just then arriving. It is clear ahead of time that only on this single afternoon can group photos be taken; the one with professional skills and equipment is pressed into service. He explains the shadow casting mountains' effect on photo taking conditions; the window of time for good results will be small. Past the appointed time, he anxiously watches the sun edge toward the top of the mountains. He reiterates the call to quickly congregate by the dock. Finally, with few minutes of good light to spare, everyone is accounted for and in place. That is, all except for the “Beaver/Lion” who, taking pride in “always cooking corn to perfection”, remains stove side, watch in hand, announcing that he'll come when the corn is done; it needs 4 minutes and 45 seconds more. The others are annoyed.

Considering that each personality style deals with information in such different ways, it is a small wonder that our relationships – family, pastoral, teaching, staff – are sometimes difficult. Referring to that in light of the Smalley-Trent animal representations of the various types, Trent quips that it can sometimes be “a real wild kingdom”. How can you help “tame it”?

I would recommend a helpful resource for those in various ministry positions: Powerful Personalities, a CD set from Focus on the Family's Pastor to Pastor series by H.B. London, Jr. addresses these issues in a manner that can help you do that. Concerns discussed include: personality in ministry, with staff, and in marriage and family. Information on dominant personalities, problem and dysfunctional personalities, as well as personality obstacles in ministry are also explored.

Lorraine Beaven, MCL Phone Consultant
__________________________________________________
Notes:
1. Meyers-Briggs, Keirsey, LaHaye, Littauer, Smalley-Trent:
2. Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INFP (Meyers-Briggs), Idealist (Kiersey), a Melancholic blend (LaHay, Littauer)I
3. Lion (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESTJ (Meyers-Briggs). Guardian (Kiersey), a Choleric blend (LaHay, Littauer)
4. Otter (Smalley-Trent) correlating with ESFP (Meyers-Briggs), Artisan (Kiersey), Sanguine (LaHaye, Littauer)
5. Lion/Beaver (Smalley-Trent) correlating with INTJ (Meyers-Briggs), Rational (Kiersey) a Melancholic-Phlegmatic blend (LaHaye, Littauer),

Don't Be a Lone Ranger

I was thinking today about how alone Pastors often are in their work. Particularly in the aspect of their Pastoral Counseling work. They know that what is shared with them in confidence is a sacred trust and must not be divulged to other parishioners. But then they get stuck in their sessions with a counselee.Perhaps they realize that the sessions are not making progress, or that they feel increasingly uncomfortable, or maybe even increasingly too comfortable with the parishioner coming for counseling. What can they do?

Mental health professionals of every discipline are taught in graduate school to seek supervision when they get stuck with a counseling client. In graduate school or early in their carears there is always a designated clinical supervisor to which they are assigned. A regular series of supervision appointments review all their couseling sessions. The supervisor is there to verify that they have a treatment plan and goals established for their clients. The supervisor helps them to clarify issues if they become fuzzy in the thinking of the beginning counselor. The supervisor can ask what about the client they find irritating or hard to deal with. The experience of the supervisor can help the new counselor to understand that this particularly client reminds them of unfinished issues in the counselor's own relationship with their parent. Maybe the supervisor helps the counselor know when they can't be helpful to a client because of transference issues and how to gracefully initiate a referral to another mental health professional. Even after the licensed professional no longer is required by law to have supervision, they know that it is wise to seek collegial supervision or consultation with other professionals when they get stuck with a counselee.

I think it would be just as valuable for pastors who are doing counseling to seek supervision when they get stuck with a counselee. The ministerial training system does not usually provide such regular clinical supervision for clergy-in-training. So the "stuck" pastor is not used to seeking consultation. But the need still exists never-the-less. Where can the "stuck" pastor go? Well, they can go to another experienced clergy person in the area. Just remember that you must protect the confidentiality of your counselee (which even includes their identity). Just present the case facts without identification, the nature of how you feel stuck and get their feedback. If this doesn't seem feesable, you might approach an established Christian mental health professional in your area. I know a psychologist in our town who regularly offers the pastors in the community free telephone consultations regarding their pastoral counseling cases. There may be an experienced hospital chaplain in your area who could provide this kind of consultation. Also, since this is the Ministry Care Line Blog, I should mention that this is certainly an appropriate use of a call to Ministry Care Line if you are part of a subscribing organization. All the staff are capable of helping a stuck counseling pastor think through what is going on in their counseling situation. And of course the call is confidential and can be anonymous if the pastor wants.

So, don't be a Lone Ranger Counseling Pastor. Getting supervision might save you from harming a parishioner or getting into a painful or embarassing situation in your ministry.

Blessings!

--Bob Peach, Ministry Care Line Director

Stress Kills!

The picture shows the results of research into the effect of stress on telomere shortening.  A telomere is a region of repetitive DNA at the end of our chromosomes that protects the chromosome from deterioration.  Telomeres don't last forever: they get shorter as we age.  When they are gone, the chromosome is no longer able to reproduce and the cell dies.  When enough cells die, we die.  So anything that shortens a telomere, shortens life.  This study demonstrates that stress can speed up telomere shortening, thus speeding up aging, thus speeding up dying.  (Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15574496)
This is obviously bad news for those of us with a lot of stress in our lives - which includes just about all of us!  So what can we do to reduce the stress in our lives?  This is a matter of life and death!  We must find a way to handle stress.  But how?

There are some proven strategies for stress reduction.  Dr. Albert Ellis proposes using the A,B,C method:

• A = Activating Event - the thing that creates the stress in the first place.  By the creative use of the word "no", we can eliminate a lot of things that create stress in our lives.  Get to the calendar before anyone else does and schedule time for God, time for family, time for play, time for sleep, time for relaxation, time for exercise.  Then, when someone asks if we can do something, we pull out of appointment book or pda, and see if we have already scheduled ourselves for one of this very important activities and, if we have, we shake our heads and say, "No. Sorry.  I already have an appointment in that time slot."  (Another name for this is "Getting the Big Rocks in First", but that's another healthy spirituality tip for another blog post.  Check back!)
• B = Beliefs - what we believe about the activating event.  Some things are not inherently stressful.  What we believe about them is what creates our stress.  For instance, you get a summons to the conference president's office.  You think, "Oh, oh!  What's up?  This can't be good."  You experience stress because of what you believe about the event.  But suppose when you get there he says, "I just wanted to congratulate you in person on the great job your doing in your church!  Keep up the good work, and here's a little something to show our appreciation for your ministry," and he hands you a gift certificate for a Caribbean cruise!  You were all worked up for nothing!  It was only your beliefs about the activating event that created the stress, not the event itself.  Similarly, we can deliberately choose what label to put onto an event, and that label will determine whether the event is stressful or not.
• C = Consequences - what we do with the outcomes of the stressor, how we handle it, how we handle our stress.  Exercise can reduce the consequences of stress.  Prayer can, too.  The support of family and/or friends can mitigate the effects of stress.  Oxygen helps - just some simple breathing exercises can actually reduce stress hormones in our bodies and reduce the damaging effects of stress.  Relaxation exercises are helpful.  Stay tuned to this column for more effective ways to reduce the effects of stress on our bodies and help us to stay healthy.

Go in peace!

A New Service from Ministry Care Line

Ministry Care Line - a service of the Kettering Health Network based in Kettering, Ohio - has been offering clergy care since 1992 via a national 800 number phone service for pastors, teachers, staff, and their spouses and children. Through Ministry Care Line (MCL) church professionals and their immediate family members have confidential access to the support and consultation of trained Christian mental health professionals who are just a phone call away. In addition, MCL can provide referrals to Christian counselors in your own city or town for face-to-face counseling.

Now, MCL is available to you on your computer with helpful advice and information to enrich your life, your relationships, and your ministry. Just check right here to get help with daily living. You can comment on any blog post - anonymously if you wish. Ask us questions and we will do our best to find a qualified professional to answer you.

Family, ministry, relationships, emotions, grief, problems, questions - Ministry Care Line will bring you regular suggestions for dealing with all this and more - right to your desktop.

We'll be looking for you, right here, at the Ministry Care Line Blog.